


Satan's schedule

by BlueTee



Series: The 'C' in Miraculous stands for CRACK [2]
Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Adrien Agreste Needs Help, Adrien Agreste have some words with his dear old daddy, Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir Needs a Hug, Bad Parent Gabriel Agreste, Crack, Gen, It's Gabriel Agreste | Hawk Moth burning hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-13
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:28:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28050021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueTee/pseuds/BlueTee
Summary: In which sleep-deprived, caffeine and spite fueled Adrien Agreste ends up telling Gabirel a lot. A LOT. Crack!fic.
Relationships: Adrien Agreste | Chat Noir & Gabriel Agreste | Papillon | Hawk Moth
Series: The 'C' in Miraculous stands for CRACK [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074149
Comments: 26
Kudos: 122





	Satan's schedule

There is only so much schedule a 17 years old superhero / international model / senior studying for his admission exams / fencer champion / polyglot can take before he flips.

And Chloé did predict that, when he finally lost it, it would be in style.

“You’re late, Adrien,” Gabriel said, when he entered the dinner room five minutes after the appointed time. “This is unacceptable. Do you think my time-”

“Time? Unacceptable?” Adrien _shrieked_ . His eyes were red, his feet and his back were killing him and, truth be told, he was just all around **done** with dear old daddy’s bullshit. “Do you want to talk about that? Because fine by me, let’s do it. What’s unacceptable is that I’m a seventeen years old with _a schedule_ , father. A schedule that supposedly optimizes my time, but ultimately, it seems to be carefully made to make me miserable, since it does not include time for any normal human necessity, like, I dunno, watch a movie or a series. Did you know I’m the only teenager in my year that has never watched Game of Thrones? Last year everyone was so disappointed with the finale and I couldn’t even join the obsessive conversations because apparently ‘I know nothing’. I wanted to watch Game of Thrones, father, it had dragons. DRAGONS, father!”

“Adrien!”

“Do you know what else I wanted? I wanted to not have my bathroom time scheduled and supervised. I want to be able to sit on a toilet and play my otaku gacha games while pooping like any normal person-”

“ADRIEN!” 

“Because I’m not gonna lie, father, I’m a huge otaku and you don’t want to know how much money I’ve spent last month trying to get my wifu, but Jalter didn’t bless me…”

_“What?”_

“...because of course I need to obsess over my 2D wifus, since I can’t have a normal teenage love life. I’m a freaking model and I don’t have a love life, I’ve never even kissed a girl… or a boy, because I’m probably bi but you don’t need to know that yet, anyway, I’ve been like, unhealthily hung up on Ladybug for years now, probably because she wears a skin tight bodysuit. Which, again, it’s kinda creepy if she’s my age, who the fuck thought it was a good idea to put a 14 years old in a spandex…”

A deep breath…

“...and don’t even let me get started on Chat Noir, because I- him, I mean, him, poor soul, probably gets harassed by people thinking he belongs to the BDSM thing, which, honestly, sounds amazing, but not when you’re a nubile 14 years old fighting a terrorist.”

Adrien suddenly stopped, vaguely staring at the opposite wall, and for a second, Gabriel feared he was having a stroke.

“Adr-”

“ _AND NOW_ I’m thinking about how much I hate Hawk Moth. No, seriously, fuck that guy. If I could sucker-punch him on the balls, I would do it. He’s just the worst. He’s a terrorist who targets children, father, and to do what? To put them in god-awful costumes to do his bidding - like, is he blind or something? Because his style is the worst. Maybe he’s a toddler who designs his akumas with crayons because I feel the urge to watch Project Runway after every akuma attack just to cleanse his poor taste off of my mind. He likes to play dress up with children, father, he’s probably a pedophile on a power trip to get jewelry.”

Nathalie started choking.

“Do you know how many of my nights - and days - and afternoons - Hawk Moth ruined? All of them. ALL OF THEM, FATHER. I have nightmares with that shit, father, and I can’t even go to a psychologist because _guess what_ ? No time in the precious schedule for mental health. Gorillazila threw me out of a skyscraper - no hard feelings, Gorilla - but I was literally falling for my death that time, father. Hawk Moth almost killed me. I will say that again. _Hawk Moth. Almost. Killed. Me.”_

“So yeah, I live in constant fear of a terrorist attack, you forced me on a job that only causes me problems and that I hate, you don’t give me enough free time to see my friends or go on dates, I’m having to double myself to get my school work done and study for the entrance exams and trying to find enough hours to sleep because my nights are also occupied with… with…”

He gulped.

“Otaku stuff. I write Ladybug fanfics. And masturbate. _LOOK_ , you don’t need the specifics of my nights, it isn’t as if I was secretly Chat Noir searching for the pedophile-terrorist hideout. Nope, nothing like that. So yeah, I haven’t slept in 48 hours and I’m functioning only on caffeine and spite at this point, so give me a break for arriving **FIVE BLOODY MINUTES** later to the dinner you wouldn’t let me enjoy anyway because you’re going to judge me the whole time because somehow you still think I don’t live up to your expectations. Well, maybe your expectations are too high, or you’re a terrible father, or you should call Satan back and ask for a refund because the schedule he created isn’t doing the job. Unless the job is to make me feel miserable, unloved, underappreciated, sexually frustrated, and tired all the time. Because in that case, yes, the schedule works.”

Adrien chug back his Starbucks trenta and sat down.

“And how is your evening going, father?”

**Author's Note:**

> I know Adrien is a good noodle™ but every 17 years old needs to lose his shit at least once a month.


End file.
